When I am surfing the internet (I am searching some algebraic number theory). I suddenly see a blog (https://combigeomery.wordpress.com) that said it follows my blog. My immediate reaction is flabbergasted and happy, and when I see that he(or she?) is interested in maths (his blog is full of maths). I begins to be a bit embarrassed, because my blogs begins to lack of mathematics, and in contrast, my blog has a lot of my Chinese writing… So, I immediately typed up this blog post. Anyway, PQToan, I thank you that you followed my blog. And thus encouraging me to produce some math blog post.
However, I don’t want to type up lots of mathematics in my blog. However, I can promise is a note Riemann Hypothesis explained I have recently produced is coming up.
Seeing that my blog that begins to lack of maths, I need to disclaim that I am not give up maths… However, indeed I am so unhappy of mathematics. This mind though hasn’t affected my pursuit of math, but I can feel my despair deep inside. I don’t know if anyone also experience this, but be it useful or not to others, it’s worth to write it as my note.
A little History…
Remembered that I have begun my journey of math in primary five? After going for a secondary school. Life dramatically changed, I experience a terrifying loss of a competition. One competition lost, never mind that right? I can tell myself to think like this, but not for my school. I begin to lose opportunities of my life of math competitions, and thus begin to lack of practices. More and more calculation errors… However, I still give in my life for mathematics, not for math competitions, but other ‘aspects’ such as university math, Olympiad math… Years of my battles from my dark days. I work for a little success, such as SIMC in my blog.
A story of a boy from losing into a quite successful, huh? Yes until the fake ending, ‘prince and princess live happily forever.’ This cruel growth brings me sequela.
Just think a bit and you will discover the horrible sequela, yes, losing opportunities would lead me to notice the opportunities around me for math, but also always suspicious of other whether they give the chance to others but not me, i suffer a lot of pain from it. I am losing trust of others, just look like others are “betraying” me. I found myself have a growing awareness of prizes and medals…. I used to do math driven by my love of math. I now more envy of the king that having people showing respect of him. I am changing. Also, I begins to see from other classmate that what I have lost from pursuing math. I have lost Friendship, pureness of their smile and more importantly, my love.
This put me into despair. Years of my hardworking are greatly challenged by me again, maybe it’s not worth of it?
I ask myself: Who can give me a shoulder to put on? Who can let me speaks of my true feeling? I don’t want to disturb my math friends (partner), I want them to pursuit math with me in wholeheartedly. I can’t say my heart out to my friends in school, I cannot bear the consequences, I am too afraid. The central question of here is, ‘Is my life ruined? Should I forget about math and rebuilt all the thing I lost, but can they be rebuilt?‘
If the consequence cannot be rebuilt, then i don’t think it doesn’t make sense to forgetting math. I know that I am seeing the light after years of my hard work with tears. I couldn’t leave math there. However then, what my thing leave behind. If you know the diminishing principle of marginal returns, then these thing leave behind is adding too much value to me. They are extreme tempting, a warm helping hand will be remembered by me dearly.
A lecturer once told me that dealing math as a job is like marriage, indeed firstly in love with math is very good, but after years and years, your love must be decreasing, you must find a way to stable your relationship with math, just like marriage. It could be frustrating. And now, I am in the marriage years.
Days and days seeing what I have lost(because I have school everyday) isn’t happy, I want to be cared, embraced, but I am so afraid of wanting them endlessly. Was I guaranteed to walk alone? That’s why I am writing a lot in my blog, I want to express my devastate out. I am sorry to end this post like this, but a person in middle of something, they cannot see the kind of silly from himself. If I once can, I should be informing you. It’s so ironic to me, I know a lot of success stories: a man that will also have faith of himself and succeed finally, but I am not prepared to face this so-call second crisis of my soul.